*Not my wife
No no no…we’re still married and she is currently at home with my children. I just wish I could talk to her about this. I just don’t think she’ll be open to talking about “this”.
My wife, thankfully, is not a typical pastor’s wife. Many times in the past I’d wish she was. Now I’m glad she isn’t. She isn’t very…appropriate. She’s loud, she’s awkward, she’s got a short temper, she’s got a very inappropriate sense of humor, and she’s not overly spiritual (thank goodness). She doesn’t play any musical instruments, she’s not a good singer, and she has no poker face. LIKE ZERO!
But I do enjoy talking about my problems with her and figuring out the future with her.
6 months ago I dropped the “I don’t think God is with me in the ministry” bomb. I told her that I don’t think he is listening to me and I wasn’t sure he was with the church. She didn’t handle that so well. I’ve been consistently bringing up a desire to find outside work. She always just brushes it off.
A couple of days ago she said:
Her: History teacher
Me: What?
Her: You should be a history teacher. You asked if you had to work in another field other than ministry, what would I think you’d be good at. I think you should be a history teacher.
I think she’s warming up the idea that I’d rather be doing something else, but I don’t think she’d understand my loss of faith.
Me: Honey, if I wasn’t in ministry anymore would we be those people who’d go to church like twice a month?
Her: No, that’s just stupid. People who do that are idiots. If you weren’t in ministry would change the fact that I believe in God and our kids need to go to church.
Oddly, I think she’d handle it better than most wives. Why? Well because our marriage has never been spiritual. We’ve never had a serious discipline of praying together or reading the bible together. We’ve never had very serious spiritual conversations. While we do talk about Church often, it’s almost always a work conversation rather than a spiritual conversation.
Honestly, I can only think of one or two times were she talked about God from a faith perspective. Even then it wasn’t that personal.
This isn’t to say she doesn’t believe. I’m sure she does. I know she does. I’m very sure it would be a huge disappointment to her to find out that I’ve become an atheist, but I really believe she could manage it. However, I have no real desire to test that theory out.
But I do miss the opportunity to have her help me with this.
Pastor No Faith 
When I first started struggling with my faith, it was a long time ago. At the time I tried to bring it up to my wife and she really couldn’t handle it. It’s fifteen years later and I’ve brought it up to her again. This time she’s much easier about it.
I wish I knew how to advise you. Your wife sounds quite wonderful–be grateful she doesn’t act like a regular “preacher’s wife.” There really aren’t many of them anyway. You need someone real in your life.
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Real, she is that. That’s for sure!
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Hey…I’m new to the blog. And I resonate with this post. I, too, am a full-time pastor in a major denomination. Of the 5 full-timers on staff, my wife is the administrator…talk about being tied to the church! Her take is that she couldn’t be happier. She told me last night that she wakes up everyday excited for what the Lord has for her and that she has finally found her calling. Wow!
As I look back I see that I’ve been losing my faith for years a bit at a time… one bullshit doctrine at a time… one phony service at a time… one unanswered prayer at a time. And this has not escaped her gaze (and I’m sure she’s not alone). Recently she told me that she felt like I was having an affair – she was referring to my turning from faith.
My wife IS the quintessential “pastor’s wife.” She’s always positive, sacrificial, humble and generous and I miss her. She can not handle any discussion about God/faith/church. Being unable to share this very big part of life… a part that has been THE cornerstone of our relationship for decades… hurts both of us. She’s disappointed in me… doesn’t understand. I’m not sure what’s going to happen, but I miss my wife too…
Thank you for sharing.
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This is what sucks about not believing: my first response was to say “Oh, I’ll pray for you”, but fuck man, what good will that do. My deepest sympathies. Your road sounds harder than mine.
Don’t kill yourself over this (emotionally or…you know, for reals). I think you and I can come out of this like Jerry Dewit.
Dave, are you familiar with the Clergy Project?
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Ha, question answered… 😉
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Wow, that’s rough, dude. I feel for you.
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