So I was on the Rational Doubt blog replying to the question of what would happen if more ministers declared publicly they were atheists, when this happened.
Get down on my knees and beg God to show himself to me? What the heck do you think I’ve been doing for the past 3 years? Do you think I just woke up one day and said, “welp, think I’ll be an atheist today”?
I prayed FOR YEARS to hear from God. I went to bed silently crying regularly FOR YEARS because God wouldn’t show himself to me. He wouldn’t answer my prayers. He wouldn’t guide me. He would help me. HE WOULDN’T TALK TO ME! And I don’t mean, oh the voice in your head that we all pretend is God, I mean please actually speak…like with real words…that I can really hear.
Do you have any idea how painful it is for a pastor to lose their faith? I’m not leaving the ministry because I had an affair. I’m not leaving because my church is closing. I’m not leaving because I don’t have enough money. I’m leaving because I just found out there is no god. It’s about a million times worse than you’d expect. It’s like telling a 5 year old there’s no Santa and no Christmas, except I make a living doing this. I’ve built my entire life on this. This was my purpose for living.
I’ve heard it compares to a divorce, but I wouldn’t know. My wife is still with me, and she still thinks I’m a believer.
I’ve prayed and I’ve prayed. Either God’s not there or he doesn’t listen to me.
Maybe like Pharaoh and Esau, he’s hardened my heart and destined me for destruction.
But don’t you fucking dare patronize me.
Oh, you should just pray more.
OH THANK YOU, ALL THIS TIME BEING A PASTOR IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME TO PRAY.
God that hurts sooooo much.