There are days I just flat out forget that I’m an atheist. I answer questions about the bible, I check in on people and pray for them, I do theological research, plan for the future of our ministries, and try to write the best sermon possible. All the while it’s as if I almost assume I’m still a Christian. Then I think, “oh wait, you don’t believe any of this crap. Like, none of it.” But then the thought passes and I go about my day, doing everything the same as before.
Now I’ve never been an angry person, but I hate the world. Seriously, there’s absolutely no effing reward for doing “the right thing”? So what, we all just lie to each other and play nice? Like, we try to be basically moral and courageous people to the determent of our livelihoods and there is no fucking point at all? There’s no God to watch out for me kids if I die in a car accident? People just die of horrible diseases and wars and there not a fucking thing anyone seems to be able to do about this?!
Sorry for the swearing, but I serious HATE life right now. Not like I hate life and I’m depressed, no, I WANT TO PUNCH LIFE IN THE FACE!
“Hello darkness my old friend”. Honestly…honestly…my wife and my kids need me. Only reason I’m alive right. Yep, the only reason I’m alive. That is it.
I’m going drinking this weekend with some old friends. Then I’m going to the doctor for some meds because, I don’t know how to survive.
Ok, so I don’t believe, woop tee doo. Can’t I still be a pastor? I mean, good community, I’m already skilled and trained for this profession, decent pay. Who knows maybe the whole “the Church in America is in free fall collapse” won’t affect me? I mean yeah, I still have at least 30 more working years ahead of me…but…can’t I still do this job forever?
I’ve been actively looking for other employment fields. And you know, maybe there’s other things I can do.
I would be nice to have Sundays off, even if the kids and the wife still go to church.
Maybe we could become Episcopalians, apparently you can be an Atheist and they’ll still make you a bishop (I’m looking at you Bishop Spong). I mean even Richard Dawkins likes the COE because “it’s quaint, and no one actually believes it or takes it too seriously”.
But I’m ok with being an Atheist.
I don’t know what to do with myself.
Pray for me? Or whatever the Atheist equivalent is.