***The names in this blog are made up, but the people are real***

Contained in these pages are words I wrote from what feels like a lifetime ago.  These words are many things.  They are:

  • Vulgar
  • Raw
  • Confusing
  • Hopeful
  • Hurtful
  • Embarrassing
  • Regretful
  • Relieving
  • Honest
  • Exaggerated
  • Pure
  • And extremely (and I mean EXTREMELY) biased

There are many things I wrote on this blog that I am so EPICALLY proud of.  There are also many things in this blog I TERRIBLY regret.

You are not reading a forensic account of what exactly took place when I lost my faith and figured out I needed to leave my position as pastor.  You are reading how I experienced it.  Every private thought, every exasperating emotion, every fleeting encounter. In these pages I say out loud the things that many people wouldn’t dare to think.

Undoubtedly, some of you who find this blog were there in person while this was going on. You will be taken aback about what I wrote here.  You will be offended and possibly hurt or insulted.

I’m sorry.

Seriously, I am.  In the height of my faith crisis I had a hard time thinking compassionately.  As my world crumbled around me I became bitter, fearful, and angry.  I felt betrayed by forgiveness, so I wasn’t doling any out. Some of you I have reconciled with or maintained our relationship.  For you, know that this was years ago and our relationship is exactly as it was yesterday before you found this web page.

I deeply regret some of the painful and hurtful things I said in this blog, but I have no intention of removing it.  Let me explain why.

What I went through is somewhat a common experience.  There are many men and women who find themselves one day being a pastor and the next day discovering they’ve lost the ability to believe.  This is an incredibly isolating experience.  This blog continues to exist as a lighthouse to those who lost the faith they once lead others in.  Here in this blog I want these people to know that they’re normal.  Everything they’re feeling, experiencing, fearing, losing…absolutely everything they are going through is normal.  IT SUCKS, but you are not alone.  I went through this.  Other’s went through this.  We came out the other side, alive.

This blog exists so that those who have lost the faith can feel the assurance that someone, somewhere, knows exactly what they are experiencing.

Hopefully they will learn from my mistakes and triumphs.  THERE IS LIFE AFTER FAITH, trust me.

I would like to apologize to some of the people who were there and part of the fallout. Some whom I spoke unkindly of, some who get lump in with others, some who I’ve been unable to forgive, and some with whom I didn’t trust to be honest with even though I should’ve.

I have less kind thoughts to those who have felt no need or desire to understand “what happened to Pastor Brendan” and have instead wrote me off, or blame me as if I chose to become an atheist.

To “The Bitch Who Shall Not Be Named”, should you ever read these pages, should you ever considered how things led me to where I am… I still hate you.  You’re a horrible human being.  It’s unfortunate that I don’t believe in Karma.

This is the story of what happened when Pastor Brendan became an atheist.



  1. I believe in Karma and the bitch will get hers!!

    Honey, I’m so glad you are writing again. You say things so well. I love you and I am so glad we continue to travel this road together.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. While I am not not have I ever been a pastor, I was in some unofficial capacities a leader in my church when I lost faith.

    All of that is to say that your experience as relayed through this blog was one of the most impactful, inspiring and hope filled influences throughout my deconversion. THANK YOU!

    Liked by 1 person

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