Today was a big day for my best friend Reece. For 16 months she has had a foster baby in her house. For months they have fallen in love with Baby and Baby has brought this family together like no other. The mother of this baby is a lot like mine and I have been there for Reece all the way. Talking about my experiences with the “system” and the workers involved. Up until today it seemed like the old judge was in favor for the shitty egg donor (I couldn’t call her a mother since well birthing a child doesn’t make you one if you do nothing after that point). But today was a court hearing with the new judge and this new judge actually has a head on her shoulders. Baby will not have to be in a car for 6 plus hours just for a visit with said egg donor, without Reece and the rest of the family. This is the first real step towards adoption. I have the biggest smile on my face. A win for sure.
So why do I have this knot in the back of my throat?
Well, when Reece called with the good news. She thanked me, for being there, being someone she can rely on and yell all kinds of bad words and know I won’t judge her. But what got me is she thanked me for all my prayers.
Prayers..those things that I used to do.
Talking to this higher being, this all powerful, all knowing father. I haven’t actually prayed in months. HAHA unless you call me saying he is an asshole a prayer?! I didn’t have the heart and haven’t had the heart to tell her that yet. She is one of 2 Christian friends I have and the other knows because there isn’t the history like Reece. I don’t know how Reece would take it. I guess this is how Brendan felt. The unknown. I haven’t even decided yet if “HE” is really there. But for Reece to thank me for something she thinks I’m doing and I’m not. Is that an answer to her prayer? Did god actually hear her cries for this innocent baby but not for us?
I have a sense of jealousy for Reece. That feeling that god is hearing her. Answering her cries, when my husband and I were so faithfully. This is going to sound horrible but I actually thought she was a pretty sucky Christian. In the pastor and his wife standards, she wasn’t doing all the things the bible said she should be doing but I loved that about her. I felt I could be normal around her because she wasn’t this all holier than though SOB. She was my real hippie friend who liked me going shopping with her cause I was honest when something didn’t look right on her.
So now I am standing in the kitchen picking apart my ten years of friendship wishing god heard me too!
(Atheist husband notes)
Seeing how this justice system has jerked Reese’s family around, keeping the drug addicted mother around who is constantly being kicked out of rehab, for me is proof that there is no justice except the justice we make.
Prayer isn’t what’s keeping baby’s future bright, love is. Active love. Real devotion and sacrifice from people making real choices.
In other words, real people, really doing real things…unlike god.
Screw prayer. God’s not going to act so we must.
BTW, Jenn was a foster kid.