I’ve had a lot going on in the last few days. I’ve had conversations with several people revealing certain amounts of doubt I have. I haven’t used the “A” word, but I’ve certainly left people with a sense that I’m becoming agnostic. I’d actually love to write about these encounters, and let you in on these conversations as I have done in the past. But honestly, I’m just too upset, tired, and anxious. I’ve been laying on the church couch for the last 2 hours because I feel too sick to move. I haven’t really slept that much in the past four days and neither has my wife. I just don’t have the energy to write, but I really want to.
The documentary crew are in town right now. I spoke with them again this morning and have another appointment tomorrow. They’re here to see how everything’s going since we last talked. It feels good to talk out loud and be 100% honest with someone. The director is a very compassionate person, which is obviously very good for this film. I was brought to tears a couple times during today’s shoot. More so than our last time filming. But this time I’m being filmed without my wife present, which I think lets me be more honest. When she’s around I feel the need to protect her and strengthen her. But without her there, I don’t have to worry about how my words impact her. That’s the best part about this film. Like my blog, I know being more honest and more open will actually help people more. I often wonder what the cameraman and sound guy are thinking about as they hear my story (as well as the stories in this film).
If I get some sleep, I’ll drum up the strength to write more. I know most of you are probably more concerned about me than my writing, but I like writing. I just can’t write much right now.
I’m emotionally and physically exhausted, and the thought of having to stay here at this job is frustrating. Yes, I need money but I just want to be done already. I want to hurry up and move on. That may not be wise, but the waiting is draining me.