Anxiety

I’ve had a lot going on in the last few days.  I’ve had conversations with several people revealing certain amounts of doubt I have.  I haven’t used the “A” word, but I’ve certainly left people with a sense that I’m becoming agnostic.  I’d actually love to write about these encounters, and let you in on these conversations as I have done in the past.  But honestly, I’m just too upset, tired, and anxious.  I’ve been laying on the church couch for the last 2 hours because I feel too sick to move.  I haven’t really slept that much in the past four days and neither has my wife.  I just don’t have the energy to write, but I really want to.

The documentary crew are in town right now. I spoke with them again this morning and have another appointment tomorrow.  They’re here to see how everything’s going since we last talked.  It feels good to talk out loud and be 100% honest with someone.  The director is a very compassionate person, which is obviously very good for this film.  I was brought to tears a couple times during today’s shoot.  More so than our last time filming.  But this time I’m being filmed without my wife present, which I think lets me be more honest.  When she’s around I feel the need to protect her and strengthen her.  But without her there, I don’t have to worry about how my words impact her.  That’s the best part about this film.  Like my blog, I know being more honest and more open will actually help people more.  I often wonder what the cameraman and sound guy are thinking about as they hear my story (as well as the stories in this film).

If I get some sleep, I’ll drum up the strength to write more.  I know most of you are probably more concerned about me than my writing, but I like writing.  I just can’t write much right now.

I’m emotionally and physically exhausted, and the thought of having to stay here at this job is frustrating.  Yes, I need money but I just want to be done already.  I want to hurry up and move on.  That may not be wise, but the waiting is draining me.

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8 thoughts on “Anxiety

  1. Writing might actually be a trick to help get some of your thoughts organized and help you sleep. I know several times when I have too much on my mind to sleep, I write to get the thoughts out of my head and down somewhere else.

    Perhaps writing in the blog might not be the answer though; I know there’s a certain degree of pressure there to put together something cohesive and readable to others, and personal thoughts don’t always work that way. Perhaps you should instead try writing to yourself. Pretend you’re writing to another version of you that understands how you think, but doesn’t know what you’re going through right now. Don’t worry about punctuation, grammar, descriptions, or even making much sense to anyone but yourself. The goal is just to get the thoughts out of your mind and into the open where you can get them de-cluttered and deal with them at a more opportune time. Thoughts in your head tend to act like keeping a big secret; they just poke and prod and eat away at you until you tell someone, after which there is a huge feeling of relief. See if you can emulate that feeling of relief by telling the secret to yourself.

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    • Agree with Brad D and Elizabeth.

      We are watching and hoping to hear more, but your health is much more important.

      Some day you will be able to use the notes that Brad D is talking about in some other way

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  2. While we LOVE hearing about how things are going, and we enjoy feeling like we are a part of your life, YOUR well-being is much more important than our little window into your world. Write things out, like Brad D said – maybe address them to yourself as you were when you went into Seminary? Be sure to use your own personal computer (never know when the church elders may do a search through any church-owned stuff). But write things out and lock them away so no one else can access them. You can always go over them later and transcribe the parts you feel like sharing with us later.

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  3. I agree with all of the posts so far. I would add that I like hearing you are spending some time on the sofa. That may sound strange, but I think it’s good to chill when life gets this overwhelming. It’s good to let the thoughts and feelings flow through. The sooner they are processed, the quicker you will pick yourself up and keep trudging along. I so appreciate you sharing this journey with us. It is helping me on mine. I’m ‘out’ so to speak, with my friends, but not my family. I know I will lose quite a few family members when they find out. I’m prepping myself for when that time comes. We each have our own path to follow, so if I lose some, that will have to be ok.

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  4. The most important thing right now is to take care of yourself. I sympathize so much with having anxiety, especially going through all this turmoil, and wanting whatever’s going to happen to just hurry up and *happen* so you can put it behind you. Try to take some time for self-care, in whatever form that takes. We aren’t going anywhere.

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  5. Just imagining your daily struggle is such a trek! compared to that it was easy for me raised catholic with violent nuns and one day just this is such bullshit. its all the christian lie-speak that i have a hard time with. but wow, you have so many new friends. don’t they feel different to you? so less judgey and way more loving? i hope so

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